I Never Told You
by therealmrsedwardcullen2013
Summary: Castle hears something in the box, but it is different since he and Kate are already married. A different type of 47 seconds
1. I Never Told You

**Author's Note: Some background info to help make a little sense of my story. In my mind Rick and Kate should have gotten together a long time ago, so I am making it that they were married like near the beginning of season 1 time period, so this is taking place in the season 4 time period. Enjoy!**

Kate's POV

"I'm sorry Mrs. Castle, but there have been some complications in your pregnancy. You had a miscarriage," I hear the words come out of my doctor's mouth and I can't believe that the same woman who had told me less than a month ago that I was pregnant was now telling me the words I had been dreading since I thought I might have been having a miscarriage last night. The worst part is that Rick doesn't know I am- was pregnant.

Rick has been gone for the past month on his book tour. I was planning on telling him tomorrow once he got home, but how can I tell him that not only was I pregnant, but that I already lost it? I don't think I can face telling him. Dr. Williams goes on telling me some other information, but right now I can't even comprehend what she's saying. I walk out of the office in a daze. Since I had taken the rest of the day off for my appointment, I decide to pick up Ellie from pre-school and spend the day with my daughter, so that I don't continue mourning the child I lost.

"Mommy!" Ellie runs towards me once she sees me. I pick her up and hold her close as I sign her out.

"Mrs. Castle, you're here early." Kristy, Ellie's pre-school teacher, says to me with a smile.

"I got the afternoon off, so I thought I would spend it with my favorite little girl," I say with a soft smile, since it hurt to too much smile knowing that I lost Ellie's brother or sister.

"Well have a nice afternoon and I'll see you tomorrow Ellie." Ellie waves good bye as we walk out of the building. We drive to the park that is near our house and I watch Ellie run around the playground, her brunette curls trying to keep up with her as her blue eyes search the world trying to learn everything she could. I'm mesmerized by Ellie every day, but today more than most. She is a happy child and I know she would have been a wonderful big sister.

I feel my phone going off in my pocket and I pick up, not checking the id. "Castle."

"Why yes it is," I hear my husband on the other end, and I can almost picture the smile on his face. I feel my mind freezing over as I don't know what to say to him. "Kate…? You there?"

"Um… yeah, sorry."

"Is everything alright Kate?" From his worried tone I know that it would be harder to tell him the truth.

"Yeah, the uh case we just finished was tough." I lie, trying to keep him from worrying until I can figure out how to tell him.

"Are you outside Kate?"

"Yeah, after we finished, I picked up Ellie. I needed to see some smiles from her."

"Well I wish I was there Kate. I miss you."

"I miss you too Rick." I say feeling bad that I wasn't telling him the truth, but I didn't know how to tell him about the miscarriage or if I even should.

"I have to get going, but I love you and I'll see you when I get home ok?"

"Ok, love you too." I say and after I hang up with Rick, Ellie comes running over to me.

"Mommy when is Daddy getting home?"

"He comes home tomorrow Ellie remember?" I say smiling at her so she didn't worry.

"Oh ok." She flashes her smile at me.

"Let's go home Ellie, ok honey?"

"Ok Mommy!" Ellie and I get in my car and drive towards home while she tells me all about her newest best friend at pre-school. We pull up to our condo and park in the garage. I hold her hand as she skips for the duration of the walk to the elevator. Once inside our house, Ellie runs off to her room to play with her dolls. I force myself into the kitchen to start cooking dinner for her and decide to make the box of mac and cheese that was in the pantry as I wanted to make something easy for dinner. Ellie ate her dinner and then got ready for bed with little complaints since she had worn her four year old body down while we had been at the park. By 8 o'clock she was fast asleep in her bed after reading her favorite book, Love You Forever. Without having to keep up any masks or having to hide what I was feeling, I let the tears run from my eyes. I cry for the child I lost and I feel empty, reminding me of the other times I have felt empty. I sob, thinking of my child and my mom. Two people, lost from my life forever. With tears still running down my face, I walk to my closet and grab one of Rick's shirts and a pair of my sleep shorts, before lying down and crying myself to sleep.

Rick's POV

I open the door softly as Ellie is most likely asleep and I am guessing that Kate went to bed already based on the dark house. I leave my suitcase sitting by the door, since I won't deal with it until tomorrow. I walk past Ellie's room and see her sound asleep on her pink toddler bed. I smile at seeing the innocence of Ellie's sleeping face as I walk towards Kate and my room. Though I enjoy meeting my fans and signing books on my book tours, I hate being away from Kate and Ellie just as much as I hated being away from Alexis when she was younger. When I walk into our room, I see Kate asleep on our bed and all I want to do is climb into bed and hold her in my arms, especially since it seemed like she was having a rough day when I talked to her on the phone. I change into shorts and a t-shirt and climb into bed and wrap my arms around Kate. In her sleep, she moves herself closer to me and I kiss her lightly on the forehead before slowly settling into a deep sleep that I could have probably stayed in had I not felt Kate tossing in my arms due to a nightmare. I groggily open my eyes and see her face covered with sweat and her mumbling in her sleep. "Stop please!" She pleads softly. "Don't leave me. Please!"

"Kate. You're having a nightmare," I try to wake her up. Her eyes pop open at the sound of my voice.

"Rick…?" she calls out softly, turning in my arms until we were looking in each other's eyes. "What- What are you doing home?" She says with tears in her eyes, most likely from her nightmare.

"You sounded miserable on the phone and there was no real reason for staying away one more day and I missed you and Ellie so much so I switched my ticket for tonight." I look at her and I want to understand what is causing her so much pain. "Want to talk about your nightmare?" She looks at me and shakes her head.

"I just want to be with you." She says before moving closer to me, so she can lay her head on my chest and I wrap my arms tightly around her.

"I love you Kate."

"I love you too Rick."


	2. Somebody That I Use To Know

Rick's POV

Everything has felt weird since I got back from my book tour. Something is definitely wrong with Kate and she won't let me in. I just want to shake her sometimes and yell at her to tell me what is going through her head, but how can I when I have barely even been home three weeks. I don't even know what happened while I was gone, but something has shaken her up and I can't seem to figure it out. And today is just leading me to be more angry at whatever it is that is shutting her out and sending her back into the person she was years ago when she wouldn't let me in.

"Are you trying to tell me that because of your miscarriage, you went and killed a man?" Kate was really angry at our suspect, though there really wasn't a reason for her to be, yet.

"Not killed. Just severely hurt." She flashed back to an innocent look after stating this. "I don't know why, I just went crazy I guess."

"No," Kate says and Esposito and Ryan look at me. That isn't something you say in the box. "You don't just go crazy because of a miscarriage and almost kill a man."

"Detective Castle, you are not really in a place to say that now are you?" Our suspect looks a little pissed, but at the same time a little worried.

"Do I look like I'm going to kill someone? I had a miscarriage three weeks ago and I'm not out slaughtering innocent people am I? No."

"Castle, that's not true, is it?" Esposito looks at me and I don't know what to say. Three weeks ago was while I was on my book tour. She wasn't pregnant was she?

"I-" Kate rushes out of the room and I don't finish my sentence as I rush after my wife.

"Kate what was that?" I say as I catch up with her. "Was that true?"

"What… about miscarriage? No, I just needed something to crack her with and I know that it wouldn't have caused her to kill people."

"Then why did you rush out of the room?" I ask.

"Because I looked at my watch. I need to get ready if I'm going to be your date for the gala. Ryan and Espo can take it from here." She says before grabbing her coat and starting to leave.

"It can't be true…" I mumble to myself before following Kate out the door.

Kate's POV

As I get ready all I can think about is what I did. I can't believe that I lied to Rick again. I had the perfect chance to tell him that I had a miscarriage and now I lied again. I basically avoid Rick at all costs as I'm getting ready so that I can keep a straight face to keep the lies up, when all I want to do is cry right now. "Kate?" Rick interrupts the thoughts that were rushing throughout my mind.

"Yeah…?" I turn to look at him and from his facial expression I know there was a missed question before my name.

"I said you ready to go?" His eyebrows draw closer together, the way they do when he's confused by my actions.

"Oh yeah, sorry. Lost in thought I guess." I say shrugging. He offers me his arm and we walk towards the door.

"Have fun you two." Alexis calls from the living room where she is playing with Ellie. The drive to the gala is filled with Rick going on about some of the people who are going to be at the gala tonight and the other gossip he feels that I should be ready for. Once we pull up in front of the building, he looks to me before the door is opened up and says the three words he says before any public event like this gala.

"Ready Mrs. Castle?"


	3. Perfect

Rick's POV

"That's Detective Castle to you." Her standard reply calms me down since it felt like she wasn't there earlier, almost like she was completely out of it. We get out of the car and with Kate by my side I feel invincible. I flash my "Castle Smile" at the cameras and every so often I glance at Kate to make sure she's not zoning out again. She cocks an eyebrow at me after the 6th or 7th glance and I smile my "Kate Only Smile" at her. Once we get inside the lights colliding with the colors of dresses with tuxes dance around the ballroom, setting the scene for the event. Kate and I move around the room, talking to everyone from the mayor to some movie stars at the event.

"Rick Castle! That man who's book made me a star even more. And his muse!" Natalie Roads came over to us and I felt Kate tense up slightly at the sight of Nikki Heat's movie portrayal.

"Oh hello Natalie. How are you?" I say as I give Kate a reassuring squeeze.

"Fantastic! My husband," She gestures to her date, "And I just found out we're pregnant."

"What? Wow!" I say almost flabbergasted that she felt the need to tell us.

"You're a mother, right Kate?" She suddenly asks.

"Yes, Rick and I have a four year old daughter Ellie." Kate says calmly.

"How did you regain your shape after being pregnant?" Natalie asks and I now understand why she asked.

"I chase after murderers," Kate says and we all chuckle at her joke, even though she was dead serious. "Now if you'll excuse me." I look over at Kate with questioning eyes. _Bathroom_, she mouths at me. I continue to talk with other guests until they announce that the dance floor is open. I look around for Kate, wanting to dance with my wife. Sine I haven't seen her since she left for the bathroom, I decide to go looking down hallway after hallway until I see her walking towards a door.

"Why Mrs. Castle, the party's in the opposite direction." She looks over her shoulder and when she sees me, I can see her eyes open really wide. "Kate? Is something wrong? Is there a dead body?"

"No I… um…" I can see her eyes are red, a shade of red that can only come because of one thing.

"Kate, have you been crying?" I ask, suddenly really worried for my wife.

"No, Castle, just go back and enjoy the gala. I think I'm going to go home." She says turning back towards the door.

"No. Hold on. We're not Castle and Beckett, not anymore. We're Kate and Rick." I pull her to a halt and turn her around so I can look into her eyes. "What's wrong?" I ask again.

"Nothing-"

"Damn it Kate! Talk to me!"She jumps slightly at my outburst. "You have been avoiding me all night and zoning out and you're not being you! Please Kate, talk to me." I say and she looks at me.

"I lied." For a moment all I can do is stare at her. "I lied about lying. And I can't keep it from you. I had a miscarriage while you were on your book tour."

"At least tell me it was my baby!" I say this, even though I don't mean it, because I am pissed off that my own wife didn't feel she could tell me about losing our child.

"Of course it was our child. Do you really think I would cheat on you Rick?"

"I don't know Kate. I didn't think that you would lie to me, but you did."

"This is why I was going to leave Rick. I don't want to deal with this here." I want to be angry with her, but I can see the pain in her eyes and I know I can't be angry with her even at this.

"Kate, we can get through this. I just don't get why you didn't tell me."

"You think I wanted to tell you that I lost our child? You think I wanted to tell you that Ellie could have been a big sister but I blew it? No. I couldn't. Not after you came home early for me, how could I?" Her eyes fill with tears even as she tries to blink them away. "I'm sorry," she mumbles as her head turns to look at her heels.

"Kate." Her eyes still don't show themselves even after I say her name. "Kate please look at me." Her face finally turns to look at me. "We can get through this ok?"

"I don't think we can." She says before running out the door with me watching her run away. It takes a moment for me to realize what happened and I start running after her.

"KATE!" I yell as I watch her turn a corner. I chase after her but after a while of running after her; I turn a corner and don't see her on the other side. After searching for her for what felt like hours, I catch a cab and ride silently to our house. I walk in and see Alexis sitting on the couch, which can only mean one thing: Kate didn't come home.


	4. Broken

**You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,**

**She says,**

**You don't know me and you don't wear my chains…**

Rick's POV

She still hasn't come home. Kate's been missing now for three weeks. I don't know what to tell Ellie anymore. I've called Kate a million times, but she doesn't pick up and she doesn't call back.

"Kate, I love you."

"Kate, come home."

"I know you're hurting, but please we can get through this as long as we're together."

"Kate please come home."

Every message I have left her has gone into her voice mail and she probably hasn't even listened to them. In the past, I ran from relationships when things got too involved or too hard, but this is the one time I have stayed in one place and I'm pissed off that Kate won't work through this.

**I think that I'm just tired**

**I think I need a new town leave this all behind…**

It wasn't until the one phone call, that I knew how she really felt.

"Castle."

"Rick Castle? My name is Lexie Stevens, I am a family lawyer. I am calling in regards to your wife Katherine Castle."

"Has something happened to Kate?"

"No, she wanted me to tell you to stop calling her and that she is giving you temporary sole custody of Ellie."

"No."

"I'm sorry?"

"Tell Kate she has to tell me herself. Because the Kate I know, wouldn't give up all rights to Ellie. She loves her too much. So you can tell Kate to cut the crap and tell me in person."

"Mr. Castle-"

"We're done here." I hang up.

"Daddy?" Ellie's head pops around the corner and all I can see is the bits of Kate in her.

"Yeah pumpkin, what's up?" I say trying to remain somewhat normal so that Ellie doesn't get affected more than she has too.

"Was that Mommy on the phone? Is she coming home?" Ellie's eyes sparkle with the hope of her mom coming home.

"No, that wasn't her, but I was thinking of calling her. Would you like to call her?" I ask hoping that Ellie can get Kate to come home. Her brown curls bounce as she nods. I dial Kate's number and turn the phone on speaker phone.

"Hi you've reached Detective Castle's phone. Leave me a message."

"Hi Mommy! Come home! Daddy and I miss you! I love you Mommy!" I hang up the phone and wait to see what Kate will do.

Kate's POV

All I want is for Rick to let me go. That's why I gave up Ellie's rights, even though it killed me to do. But that's why I did it; I need to punish myself for what happened. That's why I ran and left them. But even though I ran, without fail, Rick calls me five to ten times a day. I know that once he finds out that I gave up my rights, even temporarily, he will do one of two things. He'll either stop calling & give up on me or he'll… I don't really know the other option but I know that Rick surprises me all the time. But I am betting on the first option and he'll hate me for sure. Not that I should care since I'm the one who should be hurt. But even though I don't want him to call, I still listen to every message he leaves for me.

"Kate, I love you."

"Kate, come home."

"I know you're hurting, but please we can get through this as long as we're together."

"Kate please come home."

Every message is usually no more than a minute long at most, but each one tells me that even after I lost our baby, he isn't sending me away. I look at the clock and know that any moment now he will be getting the phone call from Lexie about me giving up my rights to Ellie, which means that I will soon learn his reaction. I sit and wait, dreading the reaction, but at the same time waiting to see what happens. Sooner than I would have hoped, my phone rings saying RICK CELL. He's still not giving up?

I wait through the rings and the moment my voicemail chirps to alert me of the new voice mail, I call to hear the message. While it connects I am mentally preparing myself for yelling, cussing me out, him telling me he couldn't love me anymore… anything really. Everything but what I actually heard.

"Hi Mommy! Come home! Daddy and I miss you! I love you Mommy!"

At that moment I broke down. Even though I left them, Rick still must be telling Ellie that I'll be coming home soon. He's not going to let me run away. I make a decision right then and grab what little stuff I had before getting in my car and driving. I drive the four hours only stopping once to pick up food. During the drive I try to imagine what could happen and have no idea in the end. Once I pull up to my destination I walk slowly and knock on the door.

"Kate…?"

**You don't know me, and you don't even care.**

**Author's Note: Any guesses on where Kate was hiding out at?**


	5. Who I am Hates Who I've Become

Kate's POV

"_Kate…?"_

He looks at me for a few moments and we stand in silence. I don't know what to say to him, or if I should say anything, really. But in a moment, he pulls me into his arms. "Kate." He whispers lovingly and I freeze in his arms, since he amazes me once again by not yelling at me. He misreads my body language and quickly lets me go. "Oh is this you telling me in person?" He asks suddenly angry.

"What?" I ask since his question makes no sense to me.

"I told Linda or whatever her name was that I wouldn't let you give up your rights to Ellie unless you told me yourself."

"Her name is Lexie."

"Whatever Kate! Cut the bullshit. What the hell are you thinking giving up your rights to our daughter, who I know you love so much and wouldn't give up without a reason? So damn it Kate! What is going through your head?"

"I needed to punish myself for what happened." I whisper knowing that he's most likely not going to like the truth.

"What…?" I can't even look at him since I can feel the disappointment rolling off of him. "Kate, this isn't something you should punish yourself for." I continue to look at my shoes, not wanting to break down again, which I would if I looked at him, and I could feel the tears rising to my eyes. "Kate," His hand cups my cheek and he slowly raises my head until I'm looking into the blue eyes that I've missed.

"I'm sorry," I say as the tears pour out of my eyes. He looks at me and pulls me back into his arms. "I wish I could have saved our child and I wish that I didn't hurt you while I tried to punish myself. I couldn't just-"

"Kate, stop and listen to me please. This is not your fault. Miscarriages happen, but you didn't do anything to cause it. Did you?" He asks and this question sounds more like my husband than the questions that he screamed at me moments earlier.

"No… it just happened." I say as the tears rush down my cheeks, blurring my vision to where I could no longer see Rick.

"Then don't punish yourself." He says. "And call Lexie," He scoffs at her name, "and tell her that you changed your mind and don't want to give up your rights. Because our daughter wants her mom back."

"I don't know if you can reverse it that easily." I say, now wishing that I hadn't contacted Lexie from the beginning. Before we can continue our conversation, we both hear Ellie's voice from the stair case.

"Daddy…?" I could hear the sleep in her voice as Rick turns and looks at Ellie.

"Pumpkin, why are you still up?" Rick asks Ellie in the sweet voice he only uses with Alexis, Ellie, and, well, he used to use it with me.

"I had a bad dream." He leaves the door open, but walks over to Ellie.

"What happened in your dream?" I'm a little worried since Ellie doesn't usually have dreams that upset her enough to wake her up.

"Mommy didn't come home." I felt my heart shatter. I caused her pain?

"Well pumpkin-"

"We can't let that happen can we Ellie?" I ask, walking into the room since I can't let Ellie get hurt by this.

"MOMMY!" Ellie turns in Rick's arms to look at me. "YOU CAME HOME!" Her four year old voice rings throughout the room.

"How could I not? Daddy and you wanted me to come home, right?"

"YES!" Ellie reached out to me from Rick's arms and he passes her to me quickly. Ellie wraps her arms around my neck, laying her head to rest on my shoulder. "Mommy I love you."

"I love you too Ellie." I sit down on our couch and Ellie tells me everything that I missed while Rick shuts the door. After Ellie finishes telling me her stories, all she wants to do is stay in my arms since she was afraid that I might leave again. Rick talks with me about the book he's working on until Ellie falls asleep and we can put her to bed. Once she is tucked back into her bed, Rick and I walk back into the living room, his hand lightly resting on the small of my back. Once in the living room, my eyes rest on the door.

"I'm not letting you leave again, you know that right?" Rick pulls me into his arms, holding me close to prove his point.

"I was betting that was the case," I say.

"Kate I need you to promise me something." I look into his eyes and can see something, but I can't tell what it is.

"What is it?" I ask as my eyebrows slowly pull together, since I am worried about what he might say.

"Don't ever run. We can get through anything as long as you and I don't run from one another. Ellie deserves that much."

"I…" I could finally see what was hidden within the blue irises that I love; fear.

"Kate, I can't lose you. And you saw how Ellie was. We both love you and need you in our lives."

"I promise. No more running."

"You'll stay?" He asks, sounding like he didn't believe me, and to be honest, he has every right not to believe me.

"Always." And with our word, he believes me and engulfs me into his arms while kissing my lips the way they had wanted to be kissed since I had run from him.


	6. Arms

**Author's Note: So before I even begin can I just say OMG! THAT FINALE! And that's all I'm going to say in here!**

Kate's POV

The next morning I wake up in Rick's arms and even though being there is one of the calmest feelings in the world, I can't help but be worried. We never continued our conversation last night, which means that we have to finish it today. I would have spent all day just lying in Rick's arms if I hadn't heard my phone ringing in the living room. I slowly pull myself from my safe haven before rushing to grab my phone. "Castle."

"Kate, its Lexie Stevens. I'm calling since your husband-"

"I talked to him." I said, not wanting her to go into depth.

"Ok, well there are two ways we can precede with this. One, we can send papers to his lawyer, already signed-"

"I'm sorry Lexie, but is there any way to just stop this? Things have changed," I say trying to explain without fully explaining.

"Usually when people start this sort of thing, they are trying to take the child away from the other parent and when they say they want to stop I send someone in to check out the situation. But since you were trying to give Rick sole custody, I think stopping this is a good idea." I can't smile any bigger than I was when she said those words.

"Thank you Lexie!"

"You're welcome Kate and for your family's sake, I hope we never need to speak to each other again. I hang up my phone and just smile. I hadn't ever thought getting Ellie back into my life when I had kicked her out as a punishment for me would be easy.

"KATE!" Ricks voice interrupts my thought process as I turn to see him running from our room towards the front door. "She promised!" He angrily mumbled.

"Rick, I'm right here." He stops in his tracks and spins to look at me with wide eyes. He walks over to me and engulfs me into his arms. "You thought I left?" I ask as he plants a kiss into my curly locks.

"I woke up to an empty bed. There were only two options that ran through my head. Option One, you were never actually here and I dreamed the whole thing. But, I saw your clothing and I knew I didn't put it there, so I thought the only other option was that you ran." While he recounted his thought process to me, I could hear the inner fear that I had seen in his eyes last night.

"I promise I'm not running away any more." I wrap my arms around his waist as I play the reprise of the words I promised last night.

"Can I ask what pulled you from me then?" I looked up at him confused by his words. I was pulling away from him? "This morning? When I woke up alone?" He says clearing up my questioning glaze.

"Lexie."

"Lexie, your lawyer?" He rolls his eyes at this.

"Yes that Lexie."

"What did she say?"

"Well she was calling to say that you refused so I could just send your lawyer the papers but I just asked if we could throw it out instead, that I didn't want to lose Ellie."

"What did she say to that?" He asks with a smile.

"She agreed that it was probably in Ellie's best interest to grow up with both her parents," I say smiling at him.

"So she's still ours?" He asks and I nod before he kisses me. His kiss is filled with love, almost as if the kiss was speaking to me, saying I love you in any and all languages.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Rick and I stop our kiss as quickly as it began once we hear Ellie running down the stairs.

"After she's at pre-k ok?" Rick says and I smile at the man I love. I feel Ellie wrap her arms around my legs and now I am being hugged by my whole family. I turn in Rick's arms so I can pick Ellie up.

"Mommy you stayed!" Ellie says as she wraps her arms around my neck. "Are you staying forever? Back for good?" She asks and I nod.

"Always." Rick whispers in my ear. I smile at Ellie and turn to look into Rick's eyes with a smile.

"Always." I repeat.


	7. Say What You Need To Say

Rick's POV

"I'll help Ellie get ready for pre-k. Can you start breakfast?" Kate asks and, even though I don't want Kate to leave my sight, I nod and unwrap my arms from her waist.

"Don't worry. I'll just be upstairs," She says sensing my fears.

"Yeah, well there is a fire escape up there." I mumble as she starts up the stairs with Ellie.

"Oh I can't believe I didn't think about that one. Thanks Rick," Kate says flashing me my favorite smile. As I pull out the ingredients to make scrambled eggs out, I try to keep my fears at bay. _Kate's upstairs_, I keep reminding myself, _She didn't leave again._ I make enough eggs to feed Kate, Ellie, and me before putting apple juice for Ellie on the table and then walking back to the counter to prepare coffee for Kate and me. While pouring our coffee, I feel a set of arms snake around my waist. "The fire escape was tempting, but not as much as you are," my favorite voice says before I feel kisses being peppered on the skin of my neck. I pull Kate around me and into my arms before kissing her once more.

"I love you," I whisper after we break apart from our kiss.

"I love you too."

"Always," We say together smiling.

"I've got something for you," I say smiling all the way to my eyes.

"Oh really, and what might that be?" She asks, smiling back since I'm betting she had already figured out what I was going to hand her.

"The secret to eternal happiness," I say as I hand her a cup of coffee.

"And here I was thinking all this time that the secret of happiness was you." She says before taking a sip.

"Then why did you run?" I immediately regret the words once they are out of my mouth as I feel Kate tense up slightly in my arms.

"Rick, not now." She says, her eyes suddenly down cast. "Not until Ellie's gone. Please…"

"I understand, sorry." I wish I hadn't brought it up. A silent moment passes until Ellie's voice fills the room, questioning a hundred different things, just like every morning. While we eat there is no time to talk about what happened since Ellie is sitting with us, so I try to focus on what she is talking about, but I can only think of more unanswered questions, the biggest one being why did she feel like she had to run?

"I'll take Ellie to pre-k ok?" Kate's voice pulls me from my thought and I feel her hand squeeze mine just a little bit from her spot to my left.

"Only if you return to me," I say before leaning over and kissing her cheek.

"Always." She says before walking out the front door holding Ellie's hand. Once I see them on the street walking towards pre-k, I try to sit and write but Nikki Heat isn't coming to mind, only Kate Beckett Castle.

"Wow, you wrote so much while I was gone." I look up from my blank Word document to see Kate looking at my screen over my shoulder.

"I can't help it. My muse left me," I say talking in both senses, the one in my head and the one standing next to me. Her arms lightly wrap around my neck and I pull her into my arms before lightly kissing her lips.

"Well I'm back now, so the muse should be back," She says smiling.

"My muse can't return until we talk through it all," I say and I watch the corners of her mouth turn down a bit.

"Ok, let's talk then." She says calmly.

"Why did you run?" I ask, getting straight to the point right off the bat.

"Because I needed to deal with what happened. Rick, I lost our child and that hurt. To think that I harmed our child- that he or she was dead because of me," Tears rise to her eyes before they look away from mine. "I couldn't deal with it where I knew you would tell me it wasn't my fault, and forgive me. I needed to punish myself for not being able to protect our child. And I needed to know that Ellie would be safe until I knew I was ok."

"What…? Kate-"

"Rick you heard what Cindy Roberts said. She claimed that she went crazy after her miscarriage. What if that happened to me and I ended up hurting Ellie? I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I did."

"Then why did you come home?" I ask, not in an angry voice, but in a questioning one.

"There are two reasons. One, I hadn't gone crazy at that point so I knew I wasn't a threat to Ellie anymore.-"

"Kate you never were a threat to Ellie. You are the best mother and you would never hurt her."

"But Cindy-"

"Cindy Roberts used her miscarriage as reasoning to hurt her ex-boyfriend. You wouldn't do that because you are one of the strongest people I know." She looks into my eyes as a single tear rolls slowly down her cheek. I wipe it away as I place a kiss on her forehead. "What was your second reason?"

"I was trying to stop myself from hurting you and Ellie even more, but message after message I could hear I was hurting you and once I heard Ellie on my voicemail, I knew I had to come home to stop the pain from getting even worse."

"Kate, what about you? You had to deal with it alone; I get that, but why did you have to punish yourself?"

"On the day that I lost our son or daughter, I had felt weird all day. I may have been able to save him or her, but I didn't. Rick, I-I-I could have saved out child." Her emotions, at this point, were making it hard for her to breathe. "How- why- I-" She bites her lip trying to control the sob that was trying to be set free. "I ignored my-my-my gut and… I lost him or her. Why-why-why sho-sho-shouldn't I suffer?" The tears finally won their fight and started running freely down her face. Late lowers her head to lay on my shoulder as her emotions take over. I hold my wife and rub soft circles on her back as she works through her grief because the worst part of her grief is I can't control it or change how it makes her feel. The best thing I can do is try to help her feel it when it comes and help her let it go when she's ready.


	8. Both Of Us

**Author's Note: So sorry that I haven't update in the longest time! Between going on vacation for all of July, band camp and working all of August and starting school I've had the worst writer's block ever! Hopefully with Castle coming back on MONDAY though I will have so many ideas flowing soon!**

Rick's POV

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Silence fills the room other than the clock. Kate's tears have subsided and now she is just sitting in my lap as I mindlessly draw little shapes on her back since I don't know what else to do. Kate was hurting and there was nothing I could do to help her and, to be honest, that hurt me almost as badly as Kate running from me.

"What's going through your head right now Rick?" Kate's hazel eyes look up at me. I could look into her eyes forever if I didn't have a question to answer.

"You," I say honestly and she rolls her eyes, "And how much I love you." I kiss her forehead.

"How are you feeling? Be honest." Kate's eyes search mine. She has filled away her pain, I can tell that much. She was ignoring it now that she had her turn to explain her reasons. She wanted to hear my feelings now and I don't know if I want can bear with the thought of giving her that load to carry as well as the one she already was struggling to carry. "Rick…?"

"Sorry… I'm feeling happy that you came back."My arms tighten a little thinking about the time we had been separate from each other. "When you left, it hurt. It hurt to live, to breath, to be separated from you because when you leave, part of me is gone too." Hey eyes look away from mine.

"I'm so sorry-"

"Don't be. You're back and that's what matters."

"Ok, well what else? Anger…?" She asks in a voice that sounded calmer than she was, I could read it in her eyes.

"Fear," She is instantly confused by what I said. "That I'm going to wake up and find that you're still gone." I pause. "That I'll find out that having you back in my arms was truly nothing more than a dream."

"More like a nightmare." Kate mumbled.

"Kate, I want you to listen and listen well. You being in my life will **never** be a nightmare." Her mouth opens to argue a point to I stop her before she can start. "Yes the situation we are in, wll for the sake of not having a better word, sucks, but I will **never** regret you being back in my life. Don't ever doubt that."

"I don't. I promise." Kate smile softly at me. I need a break from all of this. And I need a chance to let Kate and I mend out relationship without the press interrupting, or anyone else for that matter.

"Kate, let's go to the Hampton's." She looked at me slightly confused by my outburst.

"What?"

"Let's get away. That way we can spend time together, just you, me, and Ellie."

"Just up and leave?" Kate asks, not completely understanding yet.

"Yeah, just for a bit. That way we don't have to worry about the press or work or anything."

"Isn't Gina pressing you for chapters?"

"I'm ahead of schedule since I wrote a bunch of chapters before the book tour started. So she won't be harping me for at least two weeks. Come one Kate! Come with me. Say yes." I beg a little bit since I can tell that she is on the edge of caving.

"Ok. But I need a couple days to get ready. So how about we leave in like three days, that way we have time to prepare. Then we can just spend our time as a family."

"Ok, sounds good to me." I smile and kiss the top of her head as she leans down to lay her head in the crook of my neck.


	9. A-Team

**Author Note: I am so sorry. A lot of stuff went down this year (since it's my last year of high school) and therefore I had no time to write! So sorry! Hopefully I can get back into the swing of updating my other stories too! This chapter is on the shorter length because I had to find a good place to put a break in. The next one will be longer I promise!**

Kate's POV

Between spending time packing and getting groceries for the week or so that we would be gone, the days before we left for the Hamptons passed quickly. Ellie could barely contain her excitement to spend time with Mommy and Daddy since she now feared either of us leaving for long periods of time due to the book tour and my punishment.

"Mommy? Time to go?" Ellie asks grinning ear to ear.

"Almost time baby." I pick Ellie up and carry her around as I pull some last minute things together. I was going through the mental checklist in my head.

"Mommy…?" Ellie looks at me expectantly.

"Yes baby?" I place a kiss in her curls as I grab a couple of toys to place in her bag.

"Why we go?" Ellie asks for the umpteenth time.

"So that Mommy, Daddy, and Ellie can spend time together remember honey?"

"Oh yes!" Ellie puts her left hand palm to her forehead. "I no remember. But I no now." She flashes her most Rick-like smile and her behavior reminds me directly of Rick and his childlike personality. "Mommy, Daddy, and Ellie go to beach?" Ellie asks and I remember last summer when Ellie played in the water for the first time.

"Maybe Ellie, it might not be warm enough. We might have to wait until June comes around."

"When June Mommy?" Ellie asks.

"In 2 months Ellie."

"Is it long time Mommy?" Ellie hasn't grasped the concept of months yet.

"No baby, it's not a long time."

"Good! Me love beach!" Ellie says smiling.

"Well then we better get going so that we can see the beach really soon, right Ellie?" Rick's voice comes from the doorway.

"Yes Daddy!" Ellie's excited voice grew louder quickly at the idea of leaving.

"Do we have everything?" Rick asks me.

"Uh…" I grab Ellie's blanket and hand it to her as she giggles and holds it close. "We do now."

"Then let's get going. I put the rest of the bags by the front door. I can get them as long as you've got Ellie and her bag. Sounds good?"

"Sure," I reply since Ellie's already got her arms wrapped around my neck and her bag isn't heavy at all. We walk out our door to the elevator and for the first time since **it** happened, it felt like normal family time. Maybe this trip will help us return to normal.

Rick's POV

"Are all the bags in?" Kate asks as she climbs into the front seat.

"Yup and Ellie's buckled in?" Kate nods. "Then are we ready to go?"

"YES!" Ellie calls from her car seat. I pull away from the loft's parking area and we start towards the Hampton's. I reach over and grab Kate's hand. She looks over at me and I plant a kiss on the back of her hand.

"I love you," I say and it brings a smile to her face.

"I love you too Rick. Always." The drive is calm for the most part since Ellie is watching some Disney channel show on my iPad. Her giggles fill the car every so often which brings a smile to my face. Kate turns to look out the window and observe the change of scenery. Change, that's what I'm hoping will come from this trip. I want Kate and I to get past this; we need to get past this.


End file.
